The hard conversation
It’s one of the hardest conversations to have.
You’ve started noticing small changes, maybe your parent or an older loved one isn’t moving as easily as they used to. Maybe they get tired more quickly or hesitate before doing things that used to be effortless.
You'd like to say something. But how do you bring it up without making them feel like they’re losing control. For many older adults, the idea of “getting help” feels like giving up independence. And for those of us who care about them, it’s a delicate balance, we want to support them, but we also want to respect their autonomy.
So, how do you navigate this conversation in a way that actually works?
3 Ways to Make the Conversation Easier
Lead with Questions, Not Solutions - No one likes to feel like they’re being told what to do. Instead of jumping in with advice, try asking gentle, open-ended questions:
Avoid: “You should stop driving at night.”
Try: “Have you noticed it’s harder to see the road in the evenings?”
This gives them a chance to reflect and open up, rather than feeling like they’re being lectured.
Focus on Their Priorities, Not Their Limitations - Many older adults resist change because they think it means giving something up. But often, the right adjustments actually help them do more of what they love.
Avoid: “You’re not as steady on your feet anymore.”
Try: “I know you love going for walks—what would make that feel easier or safer for you?”
By shifting the conversation to what they value, they’re more likely to see the benefit rather than the loss.
Let Them Be in Control of the Decision - For someone who has been independent their whole life, even well-intended help can feel like losing control. The key is to make them part of the decision.
Avoid: “You need to change how you do things.”
Try: “Would you be open to exploring some small changes that might make life a bit easier?”
Giving them the choice keeps their dignity intact and makes the conversation feel collaborative, not forced.
